My dad

On Father's Day several years ago.

 My father passed away on May 1, 2023. I still cannot believe it. I feel some days like I am in a state of shock, or numbness. Other times I am okay. I read somewhere that it feels like everything is cloudy, or like a wet blanket has been placed on me to carry. It is not surprising to me, and his death was expected, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

His memorial services were this past weekend. My three brothers were here, and I was so glad. I really needed them here. My sister came the night that my Dad passed away, she came just 4+ hours before his death. My Dad's health had been slowly deteriorating over the past year or two. He began to lose weight. He was in stage 4 COPD, there is no stage 5. He had a harder time breathing most of the time. If he did anything slightly strenuous, he was out of breath. Even if it was just walking from his chair to the kitchen to get a glass of water and back, he was breathing hard. He was a smoker for 15 years when I was younger. He smoked when he was in the Army, and for 13 years afterward. It was difficult to see his health decline. 

He told me many times that he was ready to go home, to go see Jesus, to go to heaven. It made me sad when he said this, but it also told me how he was suffering. A doctor explained it to me: Since he needs more calories just to take a breath, he was losing weight. His body couldn't consume enough calories to make up for it. He just wasn't hungry much in the last six months. He saw a doctor in January that was worried about his weight. He told him to eat more ice cream-- a scoop before lunch and dinner. He did do that, but by that time it didn't make much difference.

He was in the hospital for most of the last 5 weeks of his life. The doctors and nurses were wonderful. He was depressed, and honestly, I can't blame him. His quality of life was very low. He couldn't do much besides sit and sleep. Toward the end, it got harder for him to stand, or to feed himself. This was a struggle for me because he was always so strong and capable. He was moved into the hospice center just two days before he passed away. It was a beautiful place, but he never really saw it. He slept all of the time then. He passed away at about 6:15 a.m. My mom and sister were there with me. I'm so thankful that they were. My husband came right away.

My siblings all live in other states or towns, more than 4 hour's drive away. I took care of my Dad and Mom a lot in the past year. I saw them nearly every day for the past 6 weeks. Now my Dad is just gone. It is hard to wrap my brain around, and my heart too. He was ALWAYS there when I needed him. He prayed for me every day. If I asked him to pray about something, I knew that he did it. 

My Dad was my hero, the first man that I ever loved. He was understanding, compassionate, a great listener, a great advisor, the best Dad EVER, and a great friend.

Here he is trying on my glasses!

He was funny and loved a good Dad joke. He made us laugh all of the time. He passed it on to his children. We all enjoy laughing, puns, and jokes and we laugh often when we are together. My dad would often pick us up after sports practice, play practice, or whatever activity we were involved in. If we walked in front of his truck, he would honk the horn to scare us, and then laugh and laugh. If the passenger door was locked, he would wave at you from the driver’s side before he unlocked the door. And you know what? I do that to my kids too.

All I can say now is that I just miss my Dad. I miss his hugs, his laugh, his voice, and his smile. I wish I could hug him one more time. Will you do something for me? Will you hug your kids, husband/wife, and parents a little longer for me? 

I'll try to post more about his memorial service next week. Please pray for me and my family.