My dad's birthday (without him)

 My Dad's birthday was last Sunday. It was the first birthday we celebrated since he passed away in early May. I had dreaded the day for a month. I made plans of ways to honor him after church. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to attend church that day, but I did. It was a nice service, but the Advent Sunday theme was joy. Deep down I had joy, but I wasn't necessarily very happy. I wanted to see my Dad, hug him, give him a gift, and eat cake together. There was no cake, only flowers that we bought for his grave.

After church, we ate lunch and rested for an hour and a half or two hours. Then we picked up my mom and drove across town to the cemetery. We placed red carnations on his grave, hugged and cried. There were more gravestones there than when we saw it last. Wreaths across America had placed wreaths on all of the grave sites before we were there. It was really pretty to see them all lined up. There was a penny on the grave marker, showing that someone had visited. I don't know who, but it warmed my heart a little. My mom cried a lot, she misses my dad so much. We all do, he left quite a hole in our lives. It has only been seven and 1/2 months of learning to live without him.

We left the cemetery and went to a church service in our town called, "Blue Christmas." It was a simple service for those who have lost loved ones. There were about 75 people there, we sang a few Christmas carols, a pastor gave a 15-minute or so message, and we lit candles. There was a slideshow of pictures (we submitted one) and we sang "Silent Night" with a guitarist in the glow of candlelight. It was just right, very comforting, slow, and gentle. We could pray with a church leader after the service if we wanted. My mom cried a lot. She prayed with the pastor after the service. Later she said that she enjoyed it.

It is very strange to buy someone a birthday gift for your whole life, and then BAM! They are gone, and all you have are memories, and pictures. I missed my Dad something fierce that day. As I've said before, I was a Daddy's girl. I could talk to him about nearly anything that I wanted. My life has less of a spark, seems a little hollow at times. I loved him so much. Sometimes I can hardly believe he is gone. I am learning to accept the fact that there is an ache in my heart that will never totally go away. I wish I could hug him one more time. 

Genesis 12:1
The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.

Jeremiah 49:11
‘Leave your fatherless children; I will keep them alive. Your widows too can depend on me.’”